Timcuttar is a god.

It takes the form of a chunky, narcissistic crab.

Timcuttar created Asia four million years ago.

If you believe in Timcuttar, it will ignore you.

If you do not believe in Timcuttar, it will curse you with boils.

Timcuttar's most sacred site is Bokaa in Botswana.

Timcuttar's Holy Commandments

1. Do not covet oxen.

2. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.

3. Never talk about fire.

4. Never run near otters.

5. Never skip in holy places.