Gumquillster is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, witty grasshopper.

Gumquillster created the planet Jupiter seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Gumquillster, she will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Gumquillster, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Gumquillster's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Gumquillster's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. Hide from green goats for they are unholy.

3. Never eat rice.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate birds.

5. Do not take Gumquillster's name in vain.