Cadquatsak is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, overgenerous hydra.

Cadquatsak created carbon eight billion years ago.

If you believe in Cadquatsak, he will look on you favourably.

If you do not believe in Cadquatsak, he will turn you into a plant.

Cadquatsak's most sacred site is Buskerud in Norway.

Cadquatsak's Holy Commandments

1. Always pray in complete darkness.

2. Always wear brown.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always pray immersed in water.

5. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.