Kapbopvag is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, unselfish turtle.

Kapbopvag created Europe nine quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kapbopvag, he will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Kapbopvag, he will turn you into a tree.

Kapbopvag's most sacred site is Miiluranta in Finland.

Kapbopvag's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Kapbopvag.

2. Never feed beans to turtles while wearing turquoise rings.

3. Do not take Kapbopvag's name in vain.

4. Kapbopvag must be the most important thing in your life.

5. Feed all hungry mice.