Wapgessjin is a god.

She takes the form of a gargantuan, selfish raven.

Wapgessjin created snails nine million years ago.

If you believe in Wapgessjin, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Wapgessjin, she will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Wapgessjin's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Wapgessjin's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Never talk about seals.

3. Do not commit murder.

4. Hide if six doves approach from the west.

5. Never hurt shrews.