Quartbarnnib is a god.

He takes the form of a galaxy-sized, intelligent gorilla.

Quartbarnnib created Mount Everest four billion years ago.

If you believe in Quartbarnnib, he will grant you five wishes.

If you do not believe in Quartbarnnib, he will turn you into a dog.

Quartbarnnib's most sacred site is Ulsted in Denmark.

Quartbarnnib's Holy Commandments

1. Hide from pink capybaras for they are unholy.

2. Tell all that you meet of the great power of Quartbarnnib.

3. Never mention nematodes.

4. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.

5. Always help ants.