Pigcararf is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, ruthless porpoise.

Pigcararf created the world four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Pigcararf, it will be happy.

If you do not believe in Pigcararf, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Pigcararf's most sacred site is Pisterzo in Italy.

Pigcararf's Holy Commandments

1. Pigcararf must be the most important thing in your life.

2. Never wear jumpers.

3. Pigcararf loves birds, so they must be respected.

4. Never play with disobedient children.

5. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Pigcararf.