Hivgutquim Lakfitpom is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, impressive raccoon.

Hivgutquim Lakfitpom created the Milkyway seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Hivgutquim Lakfitpom, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Hivgutquim Lakfitpom, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Hivgutquim Lakfitpom's most sacred site is Rautio in Finland.

Hivgutquim Lakfitpom's Holy Commandments

1. You must love Hivgutquim Lakfitpom.

2. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

3. Respect your elders.

4. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

5. Never talk about the strong nuclear force.