Dantofnil Hapmumbed is a god.

He takes the form of a five thousand metre long, witless pig.

Dantofnil Hapmumbed created viruses nine thousand years ago.

If you believe in Dantofnil Hapmumbed, he will visit you to thank you.

If you do not believe in Dantofnil Hapmumbed, he will turn you into a goat.

Dantofnil Hapmumbed's most sacred site is Oitti in Finland.

Dantofnil Hapmumbed's Holy Commandments

1. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

2. Do not make images of living things.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Never write about horizontal gene transfer.

5. Always make sure there are no gulls in a room before entering it.