Lan Nurbonkyog is a god.

It takes the form of a fat, selfish narwhal.

Lan Nurbonkyog created Africa seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Lan Nurbonkyog, it will give you a massive pile of rare-earth elements.

If you do not believe in Lan Nurbonkyog, it will destroy your home planet.

Lan Nurbonkyog's most sacred site is Penhale in England.

Lan Nurbonkyog's Holy Commandments

1. Pray towards the north.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Lan Nurbonkyog.

3. Never eat bark.

4. Do not kill aardvarks.

5. Never run near pigs.