Padkemcim is a god.

She takes the form of a very thin, clever pig.

Padkemcim created Africa four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Padkemcim, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Padkemcim, she will turn you into a puffin.

Padkemcim's most sacred site is Quenstedt in Germany.

Padkemcim's Holy Commandments

1. Snails are unholy and should not be approached.

2. Worship no other gods but Padkemcim.

3. Never feed strawberries to goats while wearing magenta dresses.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. Never look in ponds.