Zakvagbass Tonquampak is a god.

He takes the form of a five hundred metre long, able cat.

Zakvagbass Tonquampak created parasitic wasps five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Zakvagbass Tonquampak, he will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Zakvagbass Tonquampak, he will come to you in dreams.

Zakvagbass Tonquampak's most sacred site is Qangwa in Botswana.

Zakvagbass Tonquampak's Holy Commandments

1. Always take life seriously.

2. Zakvagbass Tonquampak loves snakes, so they must be honoured.

3. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

4. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

5. You must love Zakvagbass Tonquampak.