Quimmumran is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, omniscient hydra.

Quimmumran created light two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Quimmumran, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Quimmumran, she will remove you from existence.

Quimmumran's most sacred site is Hongcun in China.

Quimmumran's Holy Commandments

1. Erect four carbon sculptures of Quimmumran on top of important buildings.

2. Retreat if three foxes approach from the south.

3. Do not trade with those who eat beans.

4. Do not fashion models of living things.

5. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.