Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad is a god.

He takes the form of a plump, kind gorilla.

Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad created Europe three million years ago.

If you believe in Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad, he will celebrate by creating some planets.

If you do not believe in Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad, he will send four elephants to rub you out.

Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad's Holy Commandments

1. Look mercifully on unfortunate mites.

2. Do not hurt voles.

3. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Quammidnel Kemwapcut Larngofkad.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Never talk about moons.