Kanmonkar is a god.

He takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, fussy shark.

Kanmonkar created a photon six quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Kanmonkar, he will grant you immortality.

If you do not believe in Kanmonkar, he will jump up and down fuming with rage.

Kanmonkar's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Kanmonkar's Holy Commandments

1. Do not take Kanmonkar's name in vain.

2. Put Kanmonkar first in all things.

3. Never mention mites.

4. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

5. Always help grasshopers in need.