Quartyakfen is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, merciful wren.

Quartyakfen created vertebrates two million years ago.

If you believe in Quartyakfen, it will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Quartyakfen, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Quartyakfen's most sacred site is Issigeac in France.

Quartyakfen's Holy Commandments

1. Do not dye your hair magenta.

2. Look mercifully on unfortunate birds.

3. Pray towards the north.

4. Never wear kilts.

5. Never bounce in holy places.