Jopontgom is a god.

It takes the form of a very long, witty tortoise.

Jopontgom created the Small Magellanic Cloud seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Jopontgom, it will approve.

If you do not believe in Jopontgom, it will say rude things about you at parties.

Jopontgom's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Jopontgom's Holy Commandments

1. Do not commit murder.

2. You must love Jopontgom.

3. Never wear cyan scarves.

4. Never eat bark.

5. Do not eat aubergines.