Hothigjan is a god.

It takes the form of a very heavy, witless turtle.

Hothigjan created carbon nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Hothigjan, it will answer your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hothigjan, it will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Hothigjan's most sacred site is Daraina in Madagascar.

Hothigjan's Holy Commandments

1. Always make sure there are no otters in a building before entering it.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not chop down trees.

5. Do not dye your hair mauve.