Tapzoggum is a god.

It takes the form of an extremely thin, witty snail.

Tapzoggum created matter seven quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Tapzoggum, it will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Tapzoggum, it will send twenty two thousand, three hundred, and seventy eight badgers to sort you out.

Tapzoggum's most sacred site is Cobbel in Germany.

Tapzoggum's Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Always take life seriously.

3. Always pray in complete darkness.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Never wear trousers.