Lapkenbep is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, merciful mink.

Lapkenbep created tapeworms seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lapkenbep, she will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Lapkenbep, she will have a low opinion of you.

Lapkenbep's most sacred site is Mogonono in Botswana.

Lapkenbep's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if seven turtles approach from the north.

2. Do not chop down trees.

3. Never eat green fruit.

4. Grasshopers are not to be trusted.

5. Never feed apples to shrews while wearing black boots.