Sispomtan is a god.

She takes the form of a planet-sized, astonishing seal.

Sispomtan created an atom two trillion years ago.

If you believe in Sispomtan, she will ignore you forever.

If you do not believe in Sispomtan, she will turn you into a rock.

Sispomtan's most sacred site is Kauvatsa in Finland.

Sispomtan's Holy Commandments

1. Put Sispomtan first in all things.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

3. Do not sing in public.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

5. Respect rivers and do not attempt to bridge them.