Nellpaktig is a god.

She takes the form of a very fat, almighty troll.

Nellpaktig created snails three million years ago.

If you believe in Nellpaktig, she will give you lots of gold.

If you do not believe in Nellpaktig, she will turn you into a plant.

Nellpaktig's most sacred site is Ringsted in Denmark.

Nellpaktig's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your feet.

2. Put Nellpaktig first in all things.

3. Hide if seven aardvarks approach from the east.

4. Run away from brown ants, for they are unholy.

5. Never laugh in the presence of monkeys.