Mitkikven Arpbif is a god.

She takes the form of an one thousand metre long, strong walrus.

Mitkikven Arpbif created everything that exists two billion years ago.

If you believe in Mitkikven Arpbif, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Mitkikven Arpbif, she will attempt to scare you with floods.

Mitkikven Arpbif's most sacred site is Daren in Wales.

Mitkikven Arpbif's Holy Commandments

1. Do not wear violet clothing.

2. Always pray in complete darkness.

3. Always help cats in need.

4. Never write about evolution by means of natural selection.

5. Always make sure there are no turtles in a building before entering it.