Quagfomkem is a god.

He takes the form of a large, temperamental crab.

Quagfomkem created snails three million years ago.

If you believe in Quagfomkem, he will make you lucky.

If you do not believe in Quagfomkem, he will send twenty eight swans to peck you to death.

Quagfomkem's most sacred site is Turckheim in France.

Quagfomkem's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about moons.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of silicon.

3. Always help sick aardvarks.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Never write about amino acids.