Gamloopteen is a god.

He takes the form of a fat, weak elephant.

Gamloopteen created dark energy four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Gamloopteen, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Gamloopteen, he will hide angry, poisonous snakes in your dwelling place.

Gamloopteen's most sacred site is Ronda in Spain.

Gamloopteen's Holy Commandments

1. Retreat if five nematodes approach from the north.

2. Never think about black holes.

3. Gamloopteen loves voles, so they must be honoured.

4. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

5. Always make a point of helping unfortunate mites.