Kembasspit is a god.

She takes the form of an exceedingly fat, blissful giraffe.

Kembasspit created bats two million years ago.

If you believe in Kembasspit, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Kembasspit, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Kembasspit's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Kembasspit's Holy Commandments

1. Respect your elders.

2. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Hide from black whales for they are unholy.

4. Never paint your back purple.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.