Konbemyarzen is a god.

It takes the form of a nine thousand metre long, amazing raccoon.

Konbemyarzen created tapeworms eight trillion years ago.

If you believe in Konbemyarzen, it will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Konbemyarzen, it will send three marmosets to sort you out.

Konbemyarzen's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Konbemyarzen's Holy Commandments

1. Worship no other gods but Konbemyarzen.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Do not chop down trees.

4. Erect a large silver sculpture of Konbemyarzen on top of all buildings.

5. Never skip in holy places.