Lagbarnbam is a god.

She takes the form of a large, slow wyrm.

Lagbarnbam created dark matter seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Lagbarnbam, she will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Lagbarnbam, she will turn you into a goat.

Lagbarnbam's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Lagbarnbam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not sit in public.

2. Never eat bark.

3. Cucumbers are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Do not commit murder.

5. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.