Sisgessbeg is a god.

She takes the form of a very heavy, prudent tapir.

Sisgessbeg created a photon five quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Sisgessbeg, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Sisgessbeg, she will turn you into a rock.

Sisgessbeg's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Sisgessbeg's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Do not eat aubergines.

3. Do not trade with those who eat parsnips.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Walk at least nine thousand metres per day.