Ontkappang is a god.

He takes the form of a seven hundred metre long, irritating porpoise.

Ontkappang created oxygen three trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontkappang, he will not care.

If you do not believe in Ontkappang, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Ontkappang's most sacred site is Littoinen in Finland.

Ontkappang's Holy Commandments

1. Never hurt manatees.

2. Sheep are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Do not drink water in pink rooms.

4. Always make sure there are no hamsters in a building before entering it.

5. Do not speak about coconuts.