Affenbass is a god.

He takes the form of a very small, dishonourable hare.

Affenbass created an up quark three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Affenbass, he will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Affenbass, he will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Affenbass' most sacred site is Crugybar in Wales.

Affenbass' Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink alcohol.

2. Do not drink from vessels made of gold.

3. Do not imbibe mustard, for it is unholy.

4. Always make a point of helping unfortunate hamsters.

5. Treat sacred texts with the utmost of respect.