Nilsatlan is a god.

She takes the form of a six thousand metre long, stupid newt.

Nilsatlan created a bottom quark seven million years ago.

If you believe in Nilsatlan, she will look after you all your life.

If you do not believe in Nilsatlan, she will send you a strongly worded letter.

Nilsatlan's most sacred site is Brancion in France.

Nilsatlan's Holy Commandments

1. Never pour water over plants.

2. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Nilsatlan.

3. Never talk about pigs.

4. Nilsatlan loves doves, so they must be honoured.

5. Always pray in complete darkness.