Hampagstaf is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly large, stupid spider.

Hampagstaf created the planet Earth seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Hampagstaf, it will grant your every desire.

If you do not believe in Hampagstaf, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Hampagstaf's most sacred site is Cusihuiriachi in Mexico.

Hampagstaf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.

2. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

3. Never wear shorts.

4. Never bounce near dolphins.

5. Feed all hungry turtles.