Veenpakwab is a god.

He takes the form of a microscopic, uncaring cyclops-rhinoceros-snail.

Veenpakwab created dark energy two billion years ago.

If you believe in Veenpakwab, he will celebrate by creating some universes.

If you do not believe in Veenpakwab, he will make you grow a tail.

Veenpakwab's most sacred site is Ringford in Scotland.

Veenpakwab's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed peanuts to tortoises while wearing black scarves.

2. Your children must be taught to worship Veenpakwab.

3. Erect eight gold sculptures of Veenpakwab on top of important buildings.

4. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

5. Veenpakwab loves nematodes, so they must be honoured.