Hakmadkam is a god.

He takes the form of a four hundred metre long, humane naga.

Hakmadkam created Africa four trillion years ago.

If you believe in Hakmadkam, he will look favourably on your prayers.

If you do not believe in Hakmadkam, he will send four elderly elephants to rub you out.

Hakmadkam's most sacred site is Ifaty in Madagascar.

Hakmadkam's Holy Commandments

1. Do not drink water in magenta rooms.

2. Walk at least seven thousand metres per day.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Always look both ways before crossing roads.

5. Hamsters are unholy and should not be approached.