Hapjapbaf is a god.

It takes the form of an exceedingly fat, self-assured parrot.

Hapjapbaf created Europe five billion years ago.

If you believe in Hapjapbaf, it will be very happy.

If you do not believe in Hapjapbaf, it will send four elephants to rub you out.

Hapjapbaf's most sacred site is Xaaga in Mexico.

Hapjapbaf's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about nematodes.

2. Always make sure there are no horses in a room before entering it.

3. Do not wear lead on your body.

4. Do not laugh in public.

5. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.