Sandlamvan is a god.

She takes the form of a small, slow frog.

Sandlamvan created dark energy seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Sandlamvan, she will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Sandlamvan, she will attempt to scare you with strong winds.

Sandlamvan's most sacred site is Ylike in Finland.

Sandlamvan's Holy Commandments

1. Never talk about fire.

2. Feed all hungry tortoises.

3. Do not cook food in pots.

4. Pray towards the west.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of earth.