Ontgubjarnsis is a god.

She takes the form of a huge, unsympathetic crane.

Ontgubjarnsis created a charm quark seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Ontgubjarnsis, she will not care.

If you do not believe in Ontgubjarnsis, she will turn you into a tree.

Ontgubjarnsis' most sacred site is Rutalahti in Finland.

Ontgubjarnsis' Holy Commandments

1. Always treat monkeys with great respect.

2. Never talk about fire.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.

5. Never write about gravity.