Zessyokgem is a god.

She takes the form of a very large, contented newt.

Zessyokgem created Europe six trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zessyokgem, she will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Zessyokgem, she will turn you into a tree.

Zessyokgem's most sacred site is Goldcliff in Wales.

Zessyokgem's Holy Commandments

1. Run away from blue geese, for they are unholy.

2. Hide from pink sheep for they are unholy.

3. Zessyokgem loves ducks, so they must be honoured.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Never write about horizontal gene transfer.