Narpomlakpag is a god.

It takes the form of a nine hundred metre long, all-knowing seal.

Narpomlakpag created an electron three quadrillion years ago.

If you believe in Narpomlakpag, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Narpomlakpag, it will insist you be burnt at the stake.

Narpomlakpag's most sacred site is Quellendorf in Germany.

Narpomlakpag's Holy Commandments

1. Do not kill rats.

2. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

3. Pray towards the north.

4. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

5. Always help hamsters.