Tomkemten is a god.

It takes the form of a three thousand metre long, deceitful monkey.

Tomkemten created snails seven thousand years ago.

If you believe in Tomkemten, it will smite all your enemies.

If you do not believe in Tomkemten, it will turn you into a puffin.

Tomkemten's most sacred site is Ilmola in Finland.

Tomkemten's Holy Commandments

1. Do not eat coconuts.

2. Do not drink alcohol.

3. Potatoes are unclean and must never pass your lips.

4. Never go into magenta rooms.

5. Run away from turquoise bats, for they are unholy.