Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom is a god.

He takes the form of an exceedingly fat, flying porpoise.

Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom created everything that exists nine billion years ago.

If you believe in Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom, he will grant you three wishes.

If you do not believe in Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom, he will turn you into a mouse.

Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom's most sacred site is Estedt in Germany.

Quamgutxemlitbiggedpanbom's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shelter from rain as it is holy.

2. Ponytails are unholy and must not be worn.

3. Never think about horizontal gene transfer.

4. Show mercy to disobedient children.

5. Do not drink from vessels made of base metals.