Zogtarpbum is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, deceitful narwhal.

Zogtarpbum created the world five trillion years ago.

If you believe in Zogtarpbum, it will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Zogtarpbum, it will turn you into a puffin.

Zogtarpbum's most sacred site is Zlatolist in Bulgaria.

Zogtarpbum's Holy Commandments

1. Never write about the weak nuclear force.

2. Squirrels are unholy and should not be approached.

3. Never write about galaxies.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Pray towards the south.