Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, dishonourable giraffe.

Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit created gold four thousand years ago.

If you believe in Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit, she will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit, she will destroy your favourite planet.

Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit's most sacred site is Kgope in Botswana.

Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit's Holy Commandments

1. Always help pigs in need.

2. Always make a point of helping unfortunate sheep.

3. Put Largquafkapban Lapcutbumcit first in all things.

4. Fast once a month.

5. Never skip in the presence of swans.