Flatjopveen is a god.

It takes the form of a huge, irritating dolphin.

Flatjopveen created tapeworms three billion years ago.

If you believe in Flatjopveen, it will give you great power.

If you do not believe in Flatjopveen, it will turn you into a goat.

Flatjopveen's most sacred site is Phepheng in Botswana.

Flatjopveen's Holy Commandments

1. Permit no heathen within the settlement walls.

2. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

3. Do not hurt seals.

4. Your grandchildren must be taught to worship Flatjopveen.

5. Never think about cell theory.