Tarveenzed is a god.

He takes the form of a gargantuan, awe-inspiring lion.

Tarveenzed created Europe two million years ago.

If you believe in Tarveenzed, he will give you lots of grapes.

If you do not believe in Tarveenzed, he will turn you into a puffin.

Tarveenzed's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Tarveenzed's Holy Commandments

1. Never feed parsnips to mites while wearing magenta coats.

2. Never sit near shrews.

3. Doors are unholy and should not be erected.

4. Never talk about cell theory.

5. Walk at least four thousand metres per day.