Yamtikjan is a god.

She takes the form of a fat, amazing porpoise.

Yamtikjan created light seven trillion years ago.

If you believe in Yamtikjan, she will grant your every wish.

If you do not believe in Yamtikjan, she will turn you into a snail.

Yamtikjan's most sacred site is Chilhac in France.

Yamtikjan's Holy Commandments

1. Never paint your chest mauve.

2. Worship no other gods but Yamtikjan.

3. Never mention birds.

4. Do not eat cucumbers.

5. Never run in holy places.