Nilquatcip is a god.

He takes the form of a giant, witless raccoon.

Nilquatcip created everything that exists eight million years ago.

If you believe in Nilquatcip, he will give you a free planet.

If you do not believe in Nilquatcip, he will not care.

Nilquatcip's most sacred site is Iona in Scotland.

Nilquatcip's Holy Commandments

1. Do not shave your head.

2. Never eat corn.

3. Horses are not to be trusted.

4. Never jump in the presence of hamsters.

5. Do not speak about beans.