Zaghakbaf is a god.

It takes the form of a massive, pitiless zebra.

Zaghakbaf created an up quark seven billion years ago.

If you believe in Zaghakbaf, it will look after your home planet.

If you do not believe in Zaghakbaf, it will turn you into an amoeba.

Zaghakbaf's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Zaghakbaf's Holy Commandments

1. Do not stand on grass.

2. Hide from purple turtles for they are unholy.

3. Manatees are unholy and should not be approached.

4. Never bounce near snakes.

5. Never look at stars.