Talmetlarn is a god.

She takes the form of an extremely fat, staggering dog.

Talmetlarn created the planet Earth four years ago.

If you believe in Talmetlarn, she will approve.

If you do not believe in Talmetlarn, she will jump up and down on your head until it really hurts.

Talmetlarn's most sacred site is Troqueer in Scotland.

Talmetlarn's Holy Commandments

1. Always prostrate yourself in the presence of your elders.

2. Never hurt monkeys.

3. Never pour water over plants.

4. Retreat if eight hamsters approach from the west.

5. Your children must be taught to worship Talmetlarn.